I do not know what happened. Just a couple of weeks ago I was OK. I was sleeping normally, not drinking, not doing anything to throw my bipolar off-balance.
Now, my mind, without the calming effect of alcohol, is skittish, spurting and sparking with thoughts that I am running around trying to catch, to no avail. I am having sudden bursts of energy, NEEDING to be busy, NEEDING to do something. My train of thought has run astray at full speed. I am becoming manic again.
All I can think is, "No....no....no....no....NOT AGAIN, DAMN IT! NOT AGAIN!" I don't want this. Mania wrecked me before, I can't let this happen again. I do not want to be sick. I wish I were well, truly do. I wish I could wake up one morning and turn on CNN and hear that they have found a cure for bipolar disorder. I honestly think if my bipolar were cured (which it obviously never will be), most of my other issues would just take care of themselves because they stem out of the bipolar.
Why can't I be normal? And most of all, why do I have to fucking fall in love with my bipolar each time an episode pops up?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I am an adult.
I got to thinking tonight at work - I am an adult. I have a job. I have at least a basic education. I come home from work and I turn on CNN, light up a cigarette, and make a drink. All is adult here....wait, a drink? What?
I am not supposed to be drinking. Alcohol and people like me do not mix well. It becomes our sanity. It becomes a dependency. When we do not, or cannot, get and take our medication, it becomes a nice little replacement. One is too many and five is not enough. I am on my fifth right now.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I have everything straightened out, and I pretty much do for the most part at this point - but then I always go running back to some sort of my sickness, I always want one little piece of it to hang on to. If I am not depriving myself of sleep, knowing that it will throw me into a manic frenzy, I am drinking, knowing that it will either throw me into a manic frenzy or a depressed underground. Why can't I get my shit straight for GOOD? Why can I not leave this behind me, in search of a good life, with good intentions?
God knows I always have good intentions. I make the best decisions based on the information I have. Well, the information I have is that I am sick, and as long as there is no absolute cure for what I have, I may as well remain sick and not even try to get better, right? But God knows I am trying, I am trying so hard to maintain stability, to maintain my sanity. I worked so hard to get it back. Why do I always have to go and fuck it all up? Because I know these five little innocent drinks tonight will not be the last of it.
Why God? Why?
I am not supposed to be drinking. Alcohol and people like me do not mix well. It becomes our sanity. It becomes a dependency. When we do not, or cannot, get and take our medication, it becomes a nice little replacement. One is too many and five is not enough. I am on my fifth right now.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I have everything straightened out, and I pretty much do for the most part at this point - but then I always go running back to some sort of my sickness, I always want one little piece of it to hang on to. If I am not depriving myself of sleep, knowing that it will throw me into a manic frenzy, I am drinking, knowing that it will either throw me into a manic frenzy or a depressed underground. Why can't I get my shit straight for GOOD? Why can I not leave this behind me, in search of a good life, with good intentions?
God knows I always have good intentions. I make the best decisions based on the information I have. Well, the information I have is that I am sick, and as long as there is no absolute cure for what I have, I may as well remain sick and not even try to get better, right? But God knows I am trying, I am trying so hard to maintain stability, to maintain my sanity. I worked so hard to get it back. Why do I always have to go and fuck it all up? Because I know these five little innocent drinks tonight will not be the last of it.
Why God? Why?
Monday, January 18, 2010
I just took the garbage out. Why am I writing a blog post? I don't know. I just feel like it.
I moved in with a friend from work a few days ago. It's sort of a halfway plan to being out on my own. It would be cheaper for him and for me. (Yes, my roommate is a male. No, it's not what you think.) So far, so good. He's a daysleeper, and he's asleep now. He says I am very quiet at home. I had told him before that who I am at work and who I am at home are two very different people. At work, I am social because I have to be - Hell, I'm a waitress. At home, I sink back into being an introvert because that is who I really am.
My room here is infinitely small, but I make it work. It's actually kind of good that it is small. It forces me to declutter and not have so much junk around. I still have a couple of boxes to unpack but I might just take what I absolutely need out of them and put them in storage.
I slept off and on all day yesterday. We had a little get-together Saturday night with a couple of other people from work and I got absolutely shitfaced. I slept from 5 AM to 10:30 AM in my bed, then when Sabrina left at 10:30 AM, I moved to the couch where I slept off and on all day. I finally woke up for good around 11:30 this morning. I have to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that my little sleeping stunt doesn't throw my sleep schedule off too much. Just in the past few months I got it somewhat normal after years of it being completely out of whack. It doesn't help much that I am naturally a night person and basically had to train myself to sleep at night, combined with the fact that my roommate is also a night person and daysleeper, which makes it much easier and more justifiable to get back into my old patterns. The worst part is, when my sleep patterns get disturbed too much, my bipolar disorder acts up again. We'll just see how things work out.
I did dishes earlier. Why? I was bored, and they needed to be done. I need to go put them away now that they are dry. One evening this week I am going to clean when my roommate isn't home. I tend to make noise when I clean (as does everyone) but I don't want to wake him by doing it so the best idea is to do it in the evening when he's at work. I can't do it late at night because of the noise rules in our apartment complex. Sure, cleaning wouldn't make THAT much noise, but I'm sure the vaccuum would violate noise rules, right?
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I will write more later.
I moved in with a friend from work a few days ago. It's sort of a halfway plan to being out on my own. It would be cheaper for him and for me. (Yes, my roommate is a male. No, it's not what you think.) So far, so good. He's a daysleeper, and he's asleep now. He says I am very quiet at home. I had told him before that who I am at work and who I am at home are two very different people. At work, I am social because I have to be - Hell, I'm a waitress. At home, I sink back into being an introvert because that is who I really am.
My room here is infinitely small, but I make it work. It's actually kind of good that it is small. It forces me to declutter and not have so much junk around. I still have a couple of boxes to unpack but I might just take what I absolutely need out of them and put them in storage.
I slept off and on all day yesterday. We had a little get-together Saturday night with a couple of other people from work and I got absolutely shitfaced. I slept from 5 AM to 10:30 AM in my bed, then when Sabrina left at 10:30 AM, I moved to the couch where I slept off and on all day. I finally woke up for good around 11:30 this morning. I have to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that my little sleeping stunt doesn't throw my sleep schedule off too much. Just in the past few months I got it somewhat normal after years of it being completely out of whack. It doesn't help much that I am naturally a night person and basically had to train myself to sleep at night, combined with the fact that my roommate is also a night person and daysleeper, which makes it much easier and more justifiable to get back into my old patterns. The worst part is, when my sleep patterns get disturbed too much, my bipolar disorder acts up again. We'll just see how things work out.
I did dishes earlier. Why? I was bored, and they needed to be done. I need to go put them away now that they are dry. One evening this week I am going to clean when my roommate isn't home. I tend to make noise when I clean (as does everyone) but I don't want to wake him by doing it so the best idea is to do it in the evening when he's at work. I can't do it late at night because of the noise rules in our apartment complex. Sure, cleaning wouldn't make THAT much noise, but I'm sure the vaccuum would violate noise rules, right?
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I will write more later.
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