I got to thinking tonight at work - I am an adult. I have a job. I have at least a basic education. I come home from work and I turn on CNN, light up a cigarette, and make a drink. All is adult here....wait, a drink? What?
I am not supposed to be drinking. Alcohol and people like me do not mix well. It becomes our sanity. It becomes a dependency. When we do not, or cannot, get and take our medication, it becomes a nice little replacement. One is too many and five is not enough. I am on my fifth right now.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I have everything straightened out, and I pretty much do for the most part at this point - but then I always go running back to some sort of my sickness, I always want one little piece of it to hang on to. If I am not depriving myself of sleep, knowing that it will throw me into a manic frenzy, I am drinking, knowing that it will either throw me into a manic frenzy or a depressed underground. Why can't I get my shit straight for GOOD? Why can I not leave this behind me, in search of a good life, with good intentions?
God knows I always have good intentions. I make the best decisions based on the information I have. Well, the information I have is that I am sick, and as long as there is no absolute cure for what I have, I may as well remain sick and not even try to get better, right? But God knows I am trying, I am trying so hard to maintain stability, to maintain my sanity. I worked so hard to get it back. Why do I always have to go and fuck it all up? Because I know these five little innocent drinks tonight will not be the last of it.
Why God? Why?
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