I do not know what happened. Just a couple of weeks ago I was OK. I was sleeping normally, not drinking, not doing anything to throw my bipolar off-balance.
Now, my mind, without the calming effect of alcohol, is skittish, spurting and sparking with thoughts that I am running around trying to catch, to no avail. I am having sudden bursts of energy, NEEDING to be busy, NEEDING to do something. My train of thought has run astray at full speed. I am becoming manic again.
All I can think is, "No....no....no....no....NOT AGAIN, DAMN IT! NOT AGAIN!" I don't want this. Mania wrecked me before, I can't let this happen again. I do not want to be sick. I wish I were well, truly do. I wish I could wake up one morning and turn on CNN and hear that they have found a cure for bipolar disorder. I honestly think if my bipolar were cured (which it obviously never will be), most of my other issues would just take care of themselves because they stem out of the bipolar.
Why can't I be normal? And most of all, why do I have to fucking fall in love with my bipolar each time an episode pops up?
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