I do not know what happened. Just a couple of weeks ago I was OK. I was sleeping normally, not drinking, not doing anything to throw my bipolar off-balance.
Now, my mind, without the calming effect of alcohol, is skittish, spurting and sparking with thoughts that I am running around trying to catch, to no avail. I am having sudden bursts of energy, NEEDING to be busy, NEEDING to do something. My train of thought has run astray at full speed. I am becoming manic again.
All I can think is, "No....no....no....no....NOT AGAIN, DAMN IT! NOT AGAIN!" I don't want this. Mania wrecked me before, I can't let this happen again. I do not want to be sick. I wish I were well, truly do. I wish I could wake up one morning and turn on CNN and hear that they have found a cure for bipolar disorder. I honestly think if my bipolar were cured (which it obviously never will be), most of my other issues would just take care of themselves because they stem out of the bipolar.
Why can't I be normal? And most of all, why do I have to fucking fall in love with my bipolar each time an episode pops up?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I am an adult.
I got to thinking tonight at work - I am an adult. I have a job. I have at least a basic education. I come home from work and I turn on CNN, light up a cigarette, and make a drink. All is adult here....wait, a drink? What?
I am not supposed to be drinking. Alcohol and people like me do not mix well. It becomes our sanity. It becomes a dependency. When we do not, or cannot, get and take our medication, it becomes a nice little replacement. One is too many and five is not enough. I am on my fifth right now.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I have everything straightened out, and I pretty much do for the most part at this point - but then I always go running back to some sort of my sickness, I always want one little piece of it to hang on to. If I am not depriving myself of sleep, knowing that it will throw me into a manic frenzy, I am drinking, knowing that it will either throw me into a manic frenzy or a depressed underground. Why can't I get my shit straight for GOOD? Why can I not leave this behind me, in search of a good life, with good intentions?
God knows I always have good intentions. I make the best decisions based on the information I have. Well, the information I have is that I am sick, and as long as there is no absolute cure for what I have, I may as well remain sick and not even try to get better, right? But God knows I am trying, I am trying so hard to maintain stability, to maintain my sanity. I worked so hard to get it back. Why do I always have to go and fuck it all up? Because I know these five little innocent drinks tonight will not be the last of it.
Why God? Why?
I am not supposed to be drinking. Alcohol and people like me do not mix well. It becomes our sanity. It becomes a dependency. When we do not, or cannot, get and take our medication, it becomes a nice little replacement. One is too many and five is not enough. I am on my fifth right now.
Why do I do this to myself? I think I have everything straightened out, and I pretty much do for the most part at this point - but then I always go running back to some sort of my sickness, I always want one little piece of it to hang on to. If I am not depriving myself of sleep, knowing that it will throw me into a manic frenzy, I am drinking, knowing that it will either throw me into a manic frenzy or a depressed underground. Why can't I get my shit straight for GOOD? Why can I not leave this behind me, in search of a good life, with good intentions?
God knows I always have good intentions. I make the best decisions based on the information I have. Well, the information I have is that I am sick, and as long as there is no absolute cure for what I have, I may as well remain sick and not even try to get better, right? But God knows I am trying, I am trying so hard to maintain stability, to maintain my sanity. I worked so hard to get it back. Why do I always have to go and fuck it all up? Because I know these five little innocent drinks tonight will not be the last of it.
Why God? Why?
Monday, January 18, 2010
I just took the garbage out. Why am I writing a blog post? I don't know. I just feel like it.
I moved in with a friend from work a few days ago. It's sort of a halfway plan to being out on my own. It would be cheaper for him and for me. (Yes, my roommate is a male. No, it's not what you think.) So far, so good. He's a daysleeper, and he's asleep now. He says I am very quiet at home. I had told him before that who I am at work and who I am at home are two very different people. At work, I am social because I have to be - Hell, I'm a waitress. At home, I sink back into being an introvert because that is who I really am.
My room here is infinitely small, but I make it work. It's actually kind of good that it is small. It forces me to declutter and not have so much junk around. I still have a couple of boxes to unpack but I might just take what I absolutely need out of them and put them in storage.
I slept off and on all day yesterday. We had a little get-together Saturday night with a couple of other people from work and I got absolutely shitfaced. I slept from 5 AM to 10:30 AM in my bed, then when Sabrina left at 10:30 AM, I moved to the couch where I slept off and on all day. I finally woke up for good around 11:30 this morning. I have to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that my little sleeping stunt doesn't throw my sleep schedule off too much. Just in the past few months I got it somewhat normal after years of it being completely out of whack. It doesn't help much that I am naturally a night person and basically had to train myself to sleep at night, combined with the fact that my roommate is also a night person and daysleeper, which makes it much easier and more justifiable to get back into my old patterns. The worst part is, when my sleep patterns get disturbed too much, my bipolar disorder acts up again. We'll just see how things work out.
I did dishes earlier. Why? I was bored, and they needed to be done. I need to go put them away now that they are dry. One evening this week I am going to clean when my roommate isn't home. I tend to make noise when I clean (as does everyone) but I don't want to wake him by doing it so the best idea is to do it in the evening when he's at work. I can't do it late at night because of the noise rules in our apartment complex. Sure, cleaning wouldn't make THAT much noise, but I'm sure the vaccuum would violate noise rules, right?
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I will write more later.
I moved in with a friend from work a few days ago. It's sort of a halfway plan to being out on my own. It would be cheaper for him and for me. (Yes, my roommate is a male. No, it's not what you think.) So far, so good. He's a daysleeper, and he's asleep now. He says I am very quiet at home. I had told him before that who I am at work and who I am at home are two very different people. At work, I am social because I have to be - Hell, I'm a waitress. At home, I sink back into being an introvert because that is who I really am.
My room here is infinitely small, but I make it work. It's actually kind of good that it is small. It forces me to declutter and not have so much junk around. I still have a couple of boxes to unpack but I might just take what I absolutely need out of them and put them in storage.
I slept off and on all day yesterday. We had a little get-together Saturday night with a couple of other people from work and I got absolutely shitfaced. I slept from 5 AM to 10:30 AM in my bed, then when Sabrina left at 10:30 AM, I moved to the couch where I slept off and on all day. I finally woke up for good around 11:30 this morning. I have to work tomorrow so I'm hoping that my little sleeping stunt doesn't throw my sleep schedule off too much. Just in the past few months I got it somewhat normal after years of it being completely out of whack. It doesn't help much that I am naturally a night person and basically had to train myself to sleep at night, combined with the fact that my roommate is also a night person and daysleeper, which makes it much easier and more justifiable to get back into my old patterns. The worst part is, when my sleep patterns get disturbed too much, my bipolar disorder acts up again. We'll just see how things work out.
I did dishes earlier. Why? I was bored, and they needed to be done. I need to go put them away now that they are dry. One evening this week I am going to clean when my roommate isn't home. I tend to make noise when I clean (as does everyone) but I don't want to wake him by doing it so the best idea is to do it in the evening when he's at work. I can't do it late at night because of the noise rules in our apartment complex. Sure, cleaning wouldn't make THAT much noise, but I'm sure the vaccuum would violate noise rules, right?
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I will write more later.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Got The Site Back Up....
I was finally able to post enough on Trap17 to get my site back up and running. I'm going to have to do a little bit of redesigning though to make it show up properly on mobile devices. I tried it out on my phone for the first time the other night and it shows up fine except for the menu - I'll have to tweak it so the site will actually be navigable. That works out though because a lot of people actually told me that the menu was sort of clumsy. Since I don't have to work today I will probably try to work on it today.
I figured since I got the site back up, I can start blogging again. The problem? I don't know what to write about! Well, I suppose I could update what's been going on in my life since my last post in October.
I can finally consider myself a high school graduate. Yes, I got my GED! Not only did I do well enough to get it, but I got high honors on it. :) My math score wasn't that impressive (490) but the scores on both English sections were down right rockin' - 800, a perfect score. I scored 710 in science and 630 in social studies, which made my overall score 3460 (or something like that - I know it was 3400 something). Now it's time to start thinking about college, only I don't know what I want to major in. I'm thinking philosophy, although I do not know what I could possibly do with a degree in philosophy. I'm also thinking about English too, as that degree could come in handy in just about any field. I definitely want to pull a minor under my major, and my minor will probably be Spanish. I've also given a little thought to political science too, although once again, I don't know what I would do with a degree in political science.
I also got a job, although I didn't write about it in my last post, I've had it since September. I have the ultra-glamorous job of being a waitress. OK, OK - not THAT glamorous, but it's better than nothing. I make enough money to live and that's all that matters. I am now in the process of trying to get out on my own. My friend Heather and I are going to work something out around tax time because that will be the best time for us to be able to afford it. I figured it would be a lot easier and cheaper to have a roommate than trying to do it all on my own.
I'm sort of getting my life cleaned up, it looks like. I'm getting friends back that I didn't talk to while I was psycho, and I'm actually somewhat normal. That's not to say that I don't go crazy from time to time, but as long as it doesn't happen like it did over a year ago, I think I can deal with it. (That's probably not the best thing to say, seeing as how I'm not medicated or anything.)
That's all I have to say for now. I'm off to work on the site. Catch you all later.
I figured since I got the site back up, I can start blogging again. The problem? I don't know what to write about! Well, I suppose I could update what's been going on in my life since my last post in October.
I can finally consider myself a high school graduate. Yes, I got my GED! Not only did I do well enough to get it, but I got high honors on it. :) My math score wasn't that impressive (490) but the scores on both English sections were down right rockin' - 800, a perfect score. I scored 710 in science and 630 in social studies, which made my overall score 3460 (or something like that - I know it was 3400 something). Now it's time to start thinking about college, only I don't know what I want to major in. I'm thinking philosophy, although I do not know what I could possibly do with a degree in philosophy. I'm also thinking about English too, as that degree could come in handy in just about any field. I definitely want to pull a minor under my major, and my minor will probably be Spanish. I've also given a little thought to political science too, although once again, I don't know what I would do with a degree in political science.
I also got a job, although I didn't write about it in my last post, I've had it since September. I have the ultra-glamorous job of being a waitress. OK, OK - not THAT glamorous, but it's better than nothing. I make enough money to live and that's all that matters. I am now in the process of trying to get out on my own. My friend Heather and I are going to work something out around tax time because that will be the best time for us to be able to afford it. I figured it would be a lot easier and cheaper to have a roommate than trying to do it all on my own.
I'm sort of getting my life cleaned up, it looks like. I'm getting friends back that I didn't talk to while I was psycho, and I'm actually somewhat normal. That's not to say that I don't go crazy from time to time, but as long as it doesn't happen like it did over a year ago, I think I can deal with it. (That's probably not the best thing to say, seeing as how I'm not medicated or anything.)
That's all I have to say for now. I'm off to work on the site. Catch you all later.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It seemed like a nice evening for a blog posting.
It's a cool October evening. I was outside earlier smoking and the wind rustled through the changing trees, and although I felt as though I should have on a winter coat instead of my regular black sweater, it was peaceful. (Well, semi-peaceful - it would have been completely peaceful if I hadn't have been blasting Stone Sour into my ears, haha.)
I had today and yesterday off of work, and I went to class this evening. I took the first half of my GED pre-test and at this point I'm feeling rather proud of myself. I only missed on question in each section. I took the Science, Social Studies, Reading, and Part One of the Language Arts section today. Next time I go to class I would like to get the other parts finished, which will be Part Two of Language Arts, the Essay, and Mathematics, Part One and Part Two. One thing that comforts me is the fact that my scores (according to the pre-test) could be so high that even if I only score the minimum 410 in math, my composite score could be high enough to be exceptional. Math was never my strong point anyway. If it were, I would be an engineer instead of a waitress by day, writer by night.
My bipolar has been acting up again though. The past couple of days I felt so down for some reason. I know it had to be a minor depressive state. Then I got the idea to write in my paper journal (yes, a real paper journal, not a blog) again. I hadn't done that in a while. I let it out in there, and to my amazement, I felt better. I used to keep a paper journal all the time, and I truly believe it helped to keep me sane between the ages of twelve and sixteen. I laid off of it for a couple of years, only writing in a journal every once in a while, but now I'm back at it.
I am also working on another musing for the website. This one is about my present-day life, and let me tell you, I'm taking metaphors and beating them to death in this musing. I might be sort of hard to understand but at least I'm writing. I hope it's understandable at least. I think it will be, but be forewarned, it is long. Speaking of the site, I need to start posting on Trap17 again so I can keep the hosting on the site current, I'm pretty sure I have enough credit to keep it going for a couple more months but I need to get posting so I don't lose it.
Anyway, that is all for now. Have a good morning/day/evening/night, wherever you may be. :)
I had today and yesterday off of work, and I went to class this evening. I took the first half of my GED pre-test and at this point I'm feeling rather proud of myself. I only missed on question in each section. I took the Science, Social Studies, Reading, and Part One of the Language Arts section today. Next time I go to class I would like to get the other parts finished, which will be Part Two of Language Arts, the Essay, and Mathematics, Part One and Part Two. One thing that comforts me is the fact that my scores (according to the pre-test) could be so high that even if I only score the minimum 410 in math, my composite score could be high enough to be exceptional. Math was never my strong point anyway. If it were, I would be an engineer instead of a waitress by day, writer by night.
My bipolar has been acting up again though. The past couple of days I felt so down for some reason. I know it had to be a minor depressive state. Then I got the idea to write in my paper journal (yes, a real paper journal, not a blog) again. I hadn't done that in a while. I let it out in there, and to my amazement, I felt better. I used to keep a paper journal all the time, and I truly believe it helped to keep me sane between the ages of twelve and sixteen. I laid off of it for a couple of years, only writing in a journal every once in a while, but now I'm back at it.
I am also working on another musing for the website. This one is about my present-day life, and let me tell you, I'm taking metaphors and beating them to death in this musing. I might be sort of hard to understand but at least I'm writing. I hope it's understandable at least. I think it will be, but be forewarned, it is long. Speaking of the site, I need to start posting on Trap17 again so I can keep the hosting on the site current, I'm pretty sure I have enough credit to keep it going for a couple more months but I need to get posting so I don't lose it.
Anyway, that is all for now. Have a good morning/day/evening/night, wherever you may be. :)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
So many changes.
So much is changing for me. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. For one, I am now enrolled in the GED classes here in my town, and I got a job as a waitress at a local restaurant. That's why this might not be updated frequently (not that it ever would have been to begin with, I suppose). So far, even though I've only worked for two days at my job, I'm liking it. It's keeping me busy but at least I don't stand around feeling like a lump on a log. I'm tired after my shifts but at least I have some sort of sense of accomplishment, being tired from working instead of being tired from doing absolutely nothing. It's also nice to have at least a little cash to take home at the end of the shift - nothing's better than cold, hard cash immediately. (I promise I'm not greedy, but a few extra bucks can make the difference between nic-fitting or not.)
I'm not sure if I'll go to class tomorrow or not. I don't have to work tomorrow or Thursday, so I can either go to class tomorrow or Thursday. If I go to class tomorrow I know I won't stay the whole six hours. I want a little downtime tomorrow too, but going tomorrow makes more sense than going Thursday when it would be harder on me to squeeze it in somewhere.
I also moved in with my older sister and her family a couple of weeks ago. We need not go into details about that, but that is basically the whole reason I went back to school (in a manner of speaking) and got a job. I couldn't afford to live here if I didn't. Plus, working and stuff is a lot easier than listening to my sister bitch at me (as she so often did prior to me landing a job) about not having one.
As far as my bipolar goes, it's actually going alright now. I got to thinking about how much I've changed in the past year and a half or so. Last year, I spent the better part of the year absolutely crazy, either way too high on mania or at a ridiculous low because of depression. I can't afford to go that crazy now, so I am considering going back to the doctor (for the first time in over a year) and asking about lithium. I can deal with depression pretty well, but mania always gets me. I'm rapid-cycling because I have one manic episode a year, one depressed episode a year, but I'm guaranteed to have at least one hypomanic episode a month. If I want to hold down my life though, I can't afford to go crazy again, or at least THAT crazy again. I just can't.
I'm not sure if I'll go to class tomorrow or not. I don't have to work tomorrow or Thursday, so I can either go to class tomorrow or Thursday. If I go to class tomorrow I know I won't stay the whole six hours. I want a little downtime tomorrow too, but going tomorrow makes more sense than going Thursday when it would be harder on me to squeeze it in somewhere.
I also moved in with my older sister and her family a couple of weeks ago. We need not go into details about that, but that is basically the whole reason I went back to school (in a manner of speaking) and got a job. I couldn't afford to live here if I didn't. Plus, working and stuff is a lot easier than listening to my sister bitch at me (as she so often did prior to me landing a job) about not having one.
As far as my bipolar goes, it's actually going alright now. I got to thinking about how much I've changed in the past year and a half or so. Last year, I spent the better part of the year absolutely crazy, either way too high on mania or at a ridiculous low because of depression. I can't afford to go that crazy now, so I am considering going back to the doctor (for the first time in over a year) and asking about lithium. I can deal with depression pretty well, but mania always gets me. I'm rapid-cycling because I have one manic episode a year, one depressed episode a year, but I'm guaranteed to have at least one hypomanic episode a month. If I want to hold down my life though, I can't afford to go crazy again, or at least THAT crazy again. I just can't.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Well here we go.
Well I suppose I should start writing in this blog now that the site is all finished. I really don't know what purpose this blog will serve. All of my others have a specific purpose (commentary, music, etc.). Maybe I'll log updates to the site, or my daily life, or how many times my dog licks himself in a day. Who knows?
I think I'll probably just write about my daily life in this blog. I actually have a Xanga blog that I use for that, although it is VERY rarely updated. Maybe having a blog on Blogger, which is easier to use and doesn't have as many drama queens/kings, will make daily blogging a more enjoyable experience.
In all seriousness, I think it will be a blog with just what's up with my life, and as the subtitle would suggest, my adventures in madness. I mean, I do deal with bipolar on the site, and will deal with it on YouTube in the near future - why not deal with it head-on in a blog too? Make no mistake though, that will not be the sole purpose of this blog. I am not defined by any diagnosis I have been painted with. I won't start now.
Anyway, I just figured I should make a post now that the site is live now. I promise I'll write more soon!
I think I'll probably just write about my daily life in this blog. I actually have a Xanga blog that I use for that, although it is VERY rarely updated. Maybe having a blog on Blogger, which is easier to use and doesn't have as many drama queens/kings, will make daily blogging a more enjoyable experience.
In all seriousness, I think it will be a blog with just what's up with my life, and as the subtitle would suggest, my adventures in madness. I mean, I do deal with bipolar on the site, and will deal with it on YouTube in the near future - why not deal with it head-on in a blog too? Make no mistake though, that will not be the sole purpose of this blog. I am not defined by any diagnosis I have been painted with. I won't start now.
Anyway, I just figured I should make a post now that the site is live now. I promise I'll write more soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)